MAKE ALFRED THINK AGAIN
by Ellawritesficssometimes
Summary: PARODY OF THE 2016 AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION- Alfred promises to build a wall. Arthur really shouldn't have used that private twitter account. What will happen when these two go head to head in the race to be student council president? Chaos, that's what!


**A/N:** Oh boy! This fic is for fun, alright? Personally, I think that both candidates had their faults. I couldn't help myself from writing this. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading~!

 **Before I forg** **et** \- Arthur (Hilary Clinton) Alfred (Donald Trump) Ludwig and Feliciano (The Obama's) lmfao.

* * *

With a sunny smile on his face, Romulus Vargas, otherwise known as Hetalia High's principal, hopped onto the stage in the cafeteria. There was a jolly bounce to his step as he situated himself before a wooden podium. He tapped the mic, humming to himself as he looked around the cafeteria, meeting the eyes of many ogling students who were sitting in rows upon rows of folded benches. Several held up signs that supported who they wanted to be as student council president. Romulus couldn't help but be disappointed when he saw how rowdy Alfred's fans were getting. It would be best if he got started with the assembly. Lord knows what would happen if those delinquents decided to throw a riot again.

Romulus cleared his throat, tapping the mic one last time to get the crowd's attention. "Welcome!" he boomed. "To Hetalia High's 2016 Presidential Election! We've got a lot of excited stuff lined up today! First, we will have our candidates give a brief two-minute speech. We will then open up the floor for any questions that you guys might have."

Romulus paused when someone politely coughed to his right. The principal smiled in apology to Ludwig Beilschmidt, the current student council president. "Oh yes! Before I forget! Our current president would like to say a few words."

A tall, astute German boy with slicked-back blond hair and icy blue eyes accepted the mic from Romulus. He walked with a posture similar to that of a solider, if his camouflage pants didn't already spell ' _I act like there's a finger up my butthole at all times_.'

Scuttling next to Ludwig's side, was the school's first gentleman and treasurer, Feliciano Vargas. The students adored Feliciano, but as for Ludwig? Not so much. The only reason that Ludwig was in power was simply because he and Feliciano had been the first gay couple to run for office.

Ludwig spoke through tight lips, not garnering any of the students' attention. Feliciano was the only one listening to his partner, his brown eyes wide in adoration. Adoration quickly turned into horror when Lovino, Feliciano's twin brother, threw a tomato at Ludwig, all the while shouting: "Die potato-fucker, die!"

The entire crowd cheered in sadistic encouragement, and with that, Hetalia High's 2016 presidential debate had finally begun.

...

 _Meanwhile, backstage…_

I hunched over in the chair that I was sitting on, nervously tapping the pointed ends of my dress shoes against the ground. Today was a big day for me. I had always dreamed of being student council president. It was just a shame that my older boyfriend, who was now in University, wasn't here to cheer me on. Actually, you know what? I had just enough to time to get in one last bitching to him. I whipped out my phone and shot a quick text to Francis.

 _Arthur: Way to be supportive, you twat! Since when do you 'study' for exams anyways?_

 _Francis: Hush, mon petit. You know that I would be there if I could. I really am 'studying', I'll have you know._

 _Arthur: Oh fine then! I believe you…but you better make this up to me._

 _Francis: But of course ;)_

 _Francis: I was thinking of wearing the cooking apron that you like on me so much. You know, the one that doesn't come with any other clothes ;)?_

 _Arthur: I suppose that would be alright…_

I smiled to myself, only to scowl when Alfred strutted past me backstage. Alfred was who I was competing against in this election. He was a loud and boisterous moron, who for reasons that will forever escape me, had a large backing in the school. He was tall, muscular, and dumb as a brick. He walked around with a cocky prance to his step, reminding me of a peacock, even more so with the way that he had slicked up his blond hair to form one massive cowlick. For his campaign, he had spray-tanned his skin orange, and was also notable for the red cap that he wore on his head at all times. More than that, many believed him to be an ignorant bigot, myself included.

"Oi! Artie!" he called out. "Didn't we already establish that you should be banned from all things technology?"

I sighed. Here we go again. You see, during my freshman year at Hetalia high, I had run a private twitter account. In that account, I had anonymously insulted those whom I didn't like, which was just about everyone. Surprise, surprise, I got caught, and ended up being suspended for two weeks. Three years have passed, and I wouldn't put it past Alfred to forgive me for my past saltiness.

"I'm not on twitter, you idiot!" I fumed, shaking my fist at him while he cackled in the triumph of provoking yet another angry reaction out of me.

Alfred shrugged. "Whatever dude. Say your prayers now, because I'm so going to destroy you in this debate! Isn't that right now, snuggle buns?"

"Yeah? Well, we'll see about that," I angrily muttered to myself.

Ivan, Alfred's long-time boyfriend since sophomore year, smiled creepily in response to this nickname. "Alfred," he hummed. "I thought I told you _not_ to call me that in public, da?" he said, cocking his head to the side in a menacing manner, his purple eyes glowing under the dimly lit backstage area.

"Hehe~!" Ivan giggled. "You should really learn how to keep your _BIG_ mouth shut~!"

"Ivan! Ivan! Sweetie! I can't breathe!" Alfred choked as Ivan proceeded to strangle him in a 'good luck' bear hug. I turned away, diverting my attention back to what was happening on-stage. I couldn't be bothered to affirm whether Alfred was breathing or not.

It wasn't long before we were told that it was time for the debate to start. I kept a good distance from Alfred as I walked out onto the stage, blinking harshly at the spotlights that were cast on us. I took my place behind the farthest wooden podium, while Alfred settled before the one on my right.

The crowd of students erupted in cheers. I smiled and waved, willing myself to not let Alfred's erratic fans get the best of me. Alfred's side of the school held up signs that said: _Make Hetalia High Great Again!_

My _supporters_ , on the other hand, were much cleverer in their approach. They held up signs that read: _Keep Hetalia High Sane_ or _Down with the Orange_! The orange sign was one that would never fail to make me laugh. Hopefully, it would help Alfred realize just how ridiculously unnatural his tan looked. But then again, speaking to him was like speaking to a brick wall. Bloody hell. Don't even get me started on walls…

Ludwig cleared his throat, crossing over to the center of the stage to stand between our two podiums. "Attention!" the German shouted, reminding me eerily of a drill sergeant. The room quickly quieted down out of fear.

Ludwig furrowed his brows, lowering his voice to a far more civil and acceptable tone. "Ahem, we will now start with the speech portion of this debate. Alfred Jones, you have two minutes to discuss your platform. You may now begin."

Alfred fist-pumped his chest, but not before taking an 'energizing' gulp out of his bottle of Mountain Dew.

"Dudes and Dudettes! I am here to tell you that this school is divided! The hierarchy between freshman and seniors is disappearing. And as a 'strong, white alpha male', I'm terrified of losing my privilege! To fix this, I propose that we declare a war on freshmen!"

The crowd erupted in a series of cheers, both to mine and Ludwig's dismay.

"Those little twerps need to learn their place! I say that we make them wear ID patches. I don't know about you guys, but I'm sick and tired of having my entitlement to all the good food in the cafeteria be taken away! Who cares if they take the initiative to get in line before the rest of us!"

"I say that we make them wait at the back of the line!"

"Yeah!" the crowd chorused.

"I didn't work my way through three years of high school, only to be robbed of my chances from chowing down on some good ole grub!"

"I LOVE YOU ALFRED!"

Alfred chuckled, raising his bottle of Mountain Dew to the air in toast. "I love you too, random screaming chick, who I have absolutely no sexual attraction to because I'm gay! Did I mention the fact that I'm gay? See! Now you guys have to like me, right?! HAHAHAHA!"

"WHAT ABOUT THE WALL?!" Another fan shouted across the room.

Alfred's cerulean blue eyes lit up in excitement. "Yo! Thanks for reminding me, snoop diggity dog! Now, about that wall! So, most of y'all know about the school next door and their 'serious' drug problems, right?"

"YEAH!"

"Well, I say that we build a wall between our two football fields! Let's put an end to this drug crisis! That school is filled with Mexicans…No good drug dealers and losers who will cause nothing but bad influence to this school. Who's with me?!"

"WE ARE! WE ARE!"

"And one last thing-!"

"AHEM," Ludwig cut in. "Your two minutes have long passed, Mr. Jones. It is now Mr. Kirkland's turn to speak."

I tapped my mic impatiently, aiming a smug glance at Alfred, who appeared to be choking on air. That tended to happen whenever he was interrupted mid-rant. "Hello everyone!" I greeted, amping up the usual amount of friendliness in my voice.

"Most of you know me because of my boyfriend, Francis Bonnefoy, and his time spent as our student council president two years ago. During that time, I should remind you that I served on the school's treasury board. That being said, I think it's safe to say that I have the experience and knowledge required to run this school in the most efficient manner possible," I paused to aim a shrewd look at Alfred, whose face had puffed up to match that of a blowfish. Oh goody! His face was red as well. How hilariously unattractive!

"I'll start this off by asking a simple question. How many of you feel that you're not learning anything relevant in school?"

Several students raised their hands, much to my delight.

"Alright, that was quite a bit of hands I saw there. You see, that's the problem with our education system today. The textbooks are all outdated!"

Alfred yawned, and quite loudly at that. I pretended to ignore him.

"I say that we invest more money into buying new textbooks for this school!"

"What about the arts program?"

"Of course! I was just getting to that, Roderich. Thanks for reminding me, old chap!"

"I'm not old!" Roderich fumed to himself.

"We'll invest more money into our education!"

"Huzzah!" My supporters cheered.

"We'll invest more money into the music program!"

"Right-Oo!" Okay, now they were just being stereotypical of my British heritage.

"We'll invest more money into the drama program!"

"Bravo!"

"Lastly, we'll also invest more money in-!"

"HEY! BEILSCHMIDT!" Alfred roared, effectively drowning out my voice in the process. "His two minutes are up!" he fumed, crossing his arms into a childish stance.

"THIS ENTIRE DEBATE IS RIGGED, I'M JUST SAYING!"

Alfred's fans began to boo, chorusing his anger in a cult-like manner.

Ludwig shook his head in disbelief. "I'm afraid that Mr. Jones is right." The German paused until the jeers of the crowd had settled down again. "We will now move on to the questioning period of this debate."

On cue, Feliciano skipped onto the stage, shedding the entire room with his characteristic pearly white smile. Cupped in between his hands, he held onto a glass bowl that was filled to the top with several slips of paper. The Italian winked at his partner, stopping to stand beside him.

Ludwig blushed a little as he pulled out a slip of paper from the glass bowl. "Mr. Jones, this question is for you: _Once in office, what is the first thing that you plan to do_?"

Alfred's chest swelled with arrogance. "That's easy! I'll have the student council conduct an investigation on Artie's browser history. My sources tell me that there's still good reason to believe that he's running YET ANOTHER private tumblr blog."

Alfred cupped a hand over his mouth in secret, wilfully ignoring the fact that he was still openly speaking over the mic. "From what I hear, he has yet to break his habit of 'roasting' people."

"That's preposterous!" I shouted, pounding a fist against my podium. "Where's your proof?"

Alfred placed both index fingers in his ears, turning his back on me in disdain. "LALALA! Sorry, dude! I don't speak butthurt!"

"What are you, five?!"

"At least I'm not a loseeeeeer! Look at me! HAHA! I'm so smart~!"

I gave Ludwig a helpless look. The German took the hint and moved on to the next question.

"Mr. Kirkland, this one is for you: _Do you believe in global warming_?"

I furrowed my brows in confusion. What in God's name did this have to do with our school?!

"Well, yes, of course. Who wouldn't? Scientists around the world have proved its very existence."

Alfred shook his head, and quite aggressively at that. I had half the mind to believe that he had snapped his neck in two. "NUH-UH!" he protested. "Global warming is nothing but a load of crap invented by the Chinese! They're just trying to bring our great nation down with this phony attempt at slander!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" A student burst up from his seat, screeching in anger.

"I NO LIKE HIM! HE RACIST!" the student, whose name was Yao Wang, turned to direct his anger at Alfred. "SCREW YOU, ORANGE MAN! CHINA TAKE ALL! YOU JUST JEALOUS THAT WE A SUPER POWER NOW AND YOU NOT!"

Alfred huffed, disinterestedly picking at his nails. "Security!" he commanded. "Get this fool out of here!"

Kiku, Alfred's 'body guard', stood up from the front row. The Japanese boy swiftly intercepted his older brother from leaping onto the stage.

Yao thrashed and put up a good fight, but was still unable to free himself from his younger brother's grip. "KIKU?! HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY YOUR OLDER BROTHER! I DISOWN YOU NOW!"

Kiku simply shook his head as he escorted his fuming brother out of the cafeteria. Bangs and thuds echoed across the room as Yao repeatedly headbutted his head against the wall outside.

Ludwig pinched the bridge of his nose in disdain as he pulled out the next question for Alfred. Sadly, this level of craziness was normal in our school.

"Mr. Jones: _In the past, you have made some 'questionable' comments about Mexicans. What are your true thoughts regarding them_?"

Alfred laughed. "Mexicans are awesome! I mean, who else would be there to keep all the Taco Bells up and running in this fine nation, am I right?"

Anyone who had more than two brain cells inevitably facepalmed at this comment.

"My God, do you even listen to yourself?!" I groaned. "Just ten minutes ago, you generalized them all as drug dealers."

Alfred tsked at me. "It's just election talk, Artie. You shouldn't believe everything that you hear. Unless it's on the internet, because all the facts there are _totally_ true!"

I'll just let his ignorance speak for itself. _No comment_.

Ludwig looked like he was considering committing dual homicide at this point.

"Mr. Kirkland: _What do you have to say about your partner's 'inappropriate' behaviour during his time in office_?"

Not this one again. * _Sigh_ * Back when Francis was president, and our relationship wasn't all that stable, he had pretty much slept with everyone in the student council. It had taken me a good two years, but I've finally learned to forgive him for this. It was the student body, however, who have yet to let go of this grudge.

"Well, believe it or not, I'm not my partner. I don't see why I should be slut-shamed for something that I didn't do. I hardly see how this question is relevant to my campaign."

"OH! IT'S RELEVANT, ALL RIGHT!" Alfred hooted, sounding remarkably similar to a buffoon. Oh wait…

"YOU SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOUR PARTNER TO KEEP HIS BUTTERY HANDS TO HIMSELF!"

"Oh, that's rich! This is coming from the guy who 'unknowingly' bragged about sexual assault on tape!" I retorted back.

"Tell me now, does 'grab him by the pickle' sound familiar to you?"

Alfred paled, causing me to cackle in triumph.

I wildly gestured at Alfred, looking to the crowd for back up. "Is this bigot who you want as your student council president?" I shrieked.

Little did I know that this tangent of mine would aggravate my asthma. I began to cough, reaching into my pocket to pull out my inhaler. I took a puff from it, and it was then that all hell broke loose.

Alfred jabbed an accusatory finger at me. "What did I say before?! He's unfit to be in office!"

"HE'S SICK!"

"YEAH!" the crowd cheered.

"HE'S WEAK!"

"YEAH!"

"AND SCRAWNY!"

"YEAH!"

"AND MOST IMPORANT OF ALL, HE'S A LIAR, YO!"

"I-I'm not weak," I spluttered, swallowing heavily to keep my coughs to a bare minimum.

Unfortunately, the crowd was too revved up at this point to heed me any attention. My voice was subsequently drowned out by a title wave teeming with absurdity.

Alfred smashed his mic against the floor, causing everyone to cover their ears from the sharp sound that it had caused. The idiot then paraded about the stage in a brief victory lap before finally waving goodbye.

"Thanks! Y'all have been great! Make sure to use your heads and vote for yours truly!" he winked.

Alfred strutted off the stage, leaving me, a disgruntled Ludwig, and a very disturbed Feliciano behind.

"Mein Gott, the debate hasn't even ended yet," Ludwig muttered to himself.

I simply just stood there, my mouth held open agape. "Stupid. They're all so bloody stupid."

"ALFRED! ALFRED! ALFRED!" The crowd shouted over and over again.

I paled, finally coming to terms with how doomed I was in this election.

Lord help us all when that twat becomes president.


End file.
